Thursday, October 31, 2013

Spread too thin..

"Tears are words that need to be written"
              -Paulo Coelho

I am having one of those days where I just want to run away and hide. I am craving things that I know are currently out of reach.  Peace, normalcy, organization. We have had so much on our plate lately and no matter how much I strive for organization, I fail.  I have not written but will write soon of our recent scare and struggle with our daughter. I want to write it now but the emotion is so strong that I feel I would not only cry but wouldn't do the description any justice. Today I just want to write about me and my feelings of inadequacy as a mom and wife.

The last few weeks have been exhausting and today when I got ready for work I noticed how old my face looked. When did I get worry lines? What moment in time made me look my age. I know its tough to say but the extra weight in my face can make you look younger and yet it has failed me today.  

My normally thick and shiny hair is lackluster, needs a cut and a color. I look drab. When I was pregnant with Hayden my skin was smooth, my skin was shiny (not in a greasy way) and I was glowing. Maybe it is the sudden drop in hormones after childbirth that hits a mommy extra hard?  

I don't mean to be vague about our stress but because of our recent situation I have been extra worried. I wonder if I am paying enough attention to our 2 year old. I feel she is emotional lately and its my fault.  I have been putting my make up on with one hand and balancing her on my hip because I can't put her down. We struggle over my make up brush with me going.." Okay baby, mommy is doing her makeup. Okay baby, one more minute"  Then I just give up because putting on my make up and trying to get her to not grab the brush is difficult. 

She loves my makeup brush and loves to not-so-gently rub my face with it. I just tell her she is mommy's big helper and hope that once again, I got make up on both sides of my face. Its a small moment with my daughter in the morning that gives her a win. We can always use a win in our day and I don't see them much during the week.

My husband gives me a hug and I think to myself, what day is it? Do I need to wash my hair? I wonder what he must be thinking? All though I know him so I know that he sees me as me and doesn't think to himself..I wish she would get out of those yoga pants, dye her hair and put some make up on her old face!

I worry about my worry and find myself constantly trying to put things back to normal. I have watched my friends go through some very difficult times and yet none of them have ever voiced to me these kinds of worries. Does this mean I am weak? Are all of my friends stronger? What is wrong with me? Am I doing the right thing for my baby? My daughter? My husband? 

Those are just my current worries and thoughts. I am not myself, I am stuck in the in between. I have to make grown up decisions soon and I don't want to. I want to be young again where your parents made your choices and you got to play with your friends.

I have been driving home with the radio up really loud. Yesterday I caught Ice Ice baby by Vanilla Ice and rapped my way home. It was bath night and when I got home I saw these faces and my day made a sudden U-turn. If I could only have my baby fix during the day...I gave them kisses and they melt my worries.


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